Oh dear me. I would have liked to end this year on a cheerful blog, but my old enemy unhappiness has found me out. Specifically love, or the continuing misadventures of.
Did I really begin this year with a list of reasons to be cheerful. Or was that last year?
I’m finding it hard to remember what’s happened since I finished the play towards the end of July. That’s 5 fucking months, I don’t think it’s lingering characteristics of my character Mogg’s dementia. No more boredom, frustration, despair. Oh and lack of money too.
Romance always seems a pleasant distraction or rather the continuing misadventures in search of, and I spend enough time going on about it in these blogs. I promise if I ever met someone fabulous and it worked, I wouldn't go on and give a blow by blow account of it I promise, I wouldn't be that crass. It's just as I've said often enough before, these blogs are my streams of consciousness, where I get things off my chest, mindful that someone else might read them, even those I mention, I have no wish to hurt or denigrate them and won't. I write because it is a form of therapy.
Talking of which I had a romance of sorts with a nice looking Irish psychotherapist….
It’s funny I hadn’t seen her since 4th December, our fifth & final date over an almost 2 month period and my head must have been in a daze because I can’t even remember why now, but I remember really really fancying the moment she walked into Gullivers on Oldham Street Manchester on that afternoon of Saturday October 9th. On our second date about 3 weeks later we had a big snogfest after about 5 bottles of wine in Noho, and bar some hand holding went we went to see Joker weeks later we never got that affectionate again, she later told me she didn’t like kissing in public which is fair enough! I did fancy her big time but she never did convince me that she fancied me back, in fact on our last date, it was like she was repulsed. I have to ask myself with every woman I like whether it is just that I’m desperate for a girlfriend or am I really into her, and I was really into her, but of course hurt can cause you to doubt even that.
To be fair she was clearly upset on that last day we met , was talking about an ex boyf who she’s still kept friends with who’d died and only been discovered after many days and she’d been reading the pathology report!
Now I could write the book on wrong subjects to talk about on dates, but this was something new. She messaged me later than she said it looked like I was going to have a heart attack when I met her at Alderley Edge, a bit of an almighty exaggeration as was describing mud on my jeans, I checked them later. I’d climbed up the Edge all excited to meet her and that was my crime, looking too knackered & dishevelled as a result, apparently. She implied that she didn’t want to get close to someone who could die! As excuses for splitting up go it’s one of the more practical ones, if totally bizarre and unfounded. We spent a good 4 hours at the Wizard and if I’m honest the only thing I felt about my heart was it deflating!
Looking back over all my years I don't believe any woman I've really desired or loved has ever desired or loved me back. I always thought love would save me somehow, but I've never found that kind of love and I'm very doubtful whether it would anyway, because the sort of love I fantasise about, the sort that I imagine would save me, doesn't exist anyway. A lot of us have an almost childish desire to be loved, cherished, and for it almost to become a quest in life seems hopelessly ridiculous.
Just been watching with my mum this afternoon 'It's a Wonderful Life' and that's cheered me as well as gutted me!
So it's New Years eve what better or worse time to think about all the things in life In haven’t done, or haven’t been able to do, couldn’t do. Like driving & being a dad or bought a house, become a successful actor, met a lovely woman to spend my life with! The thing that depresses me most is that I haven't mattered in anyones life. Not really made a difference, so if I like George imagines in the film, hadn't existed it wouldn't really have caused great shakes in anyones lives.
Thats a terrible thing to admit, that I haven't mattered, but it is really true I'm sad to say. So with that bombshell admitted shamefully I'm left asking what have I done for myself and I’m trying to make a list in an attempt to cheer myself up...
What have I done?
Got to age of 55!
Became vegetarian 30 years ago & stuck to it, apart from a couple of mistakes!
Written & performed my own play
Been the only one in my Drama School year to produce a play outside the college
Come to realise my Tara Power as a blessing not the curse for years I thought it was before I thought of her.
Lived in London full time for over 15 years
Made good & lovely friends in Therese Ryan, Andy Greaves, Che Finch, Noreen Osborne, Bernadette Rowley, Sharron Byrne.
Become a better actor than I was when I started!
Worked & spent considerable time in: Rome, Dublin,my 2 favourite cities & in Weymouth.. very dear to me And Maiden Castle my most favourite place.
Learnt much about history from working as a tour guide to many places in England. Tried always to be kind, thoughtful & tolerant……BUT I of course haven’t succeeded in this. Maybe I’m not quite the nice person I thought I was! I have hurt to my knowledge 2 women…only 2 and the hurt was in the first ending our relationship with a text message and in the second not even doing that but letting her get upset at not hearing from me and say I wasn’t the man she thought I was. Too right.
OH I accuse myself of anger which is directed at myself and allowing my sister to make me angry.
My sister had been behaving monstrously, though she failed as always to see it. We were supposed to go over to hers for New Years Eve and then I had a massive bust up with last Friday when mum fell over and she started shouting at mum and I told her to calm down and she turned on me and then I went mad back at her and she slapped me across the face, first time ever I've been slapped by a woman!
Looking back as always things are said when you're upset that you don't really mean, and we were both upset at mum falling over.
I am furious with her, I think she is a very unhappy person, but she has all the things I haven’t. Her own family. A marriage, a life, normality. Things I have craved and do. I suggested Vickie see a psychiatrist but I maybe do too, or to get treatment for depression, maybe I'm the one that's in denial. I really don't think we can blame anyone but ourselves, certainly not our mum and dad, the best mum and dad anyone could wish for and as I frequently have said, I wouldn't want another try at life because it would mean having to have different parents and for me I lucked out this time round,
My dear friend Therese tells me to not have a go at myself, she says I am lovely, I am not convinced, even though she is a sage. She says saying negative things reflect badly on me like I am almost telling the cosmos, but I don't see myself as that important that the cosmos would care a jot about my rantings and ravings.
At the end of the day ("you're another day older") Spent new years eve watching the film of Les Miserables with my mum, hugely lucky that my dear mum is still with me.
If I really believed that I'd given up on finding a lovely woman I'd have ended it and if I believed truly that I'd never have success as an actor. They both seem like unattainable things but I cannot in all honesty give them up, just yet a while anyway.